By Nkiru Ogbuli
My birthday celebration two weeks ago was exceptional, but that’s not the primary focus.
What’s intriguing is why a past acquaintance messaged me, expressing regret over missing my birthday. Upon inquiry, he cited seeing it on a shared platform and would have called, sent gifts, or taken me to dinner. I responded that it was fine, contrary to his expected enthusiasm, I could tell.
He then shared his itinerary, how he was out of town, would be back next week and would call to arrange a dinner date. Ironically this mirrors my previous requests during our initial acquaintance which was ignored most of the time.
This behaviour is not uncommon but I was curious to know why it is so. If you have experienced the same thing or know someone who has passed or is passing through the same situation, then read on.
In a conversation with an AI Assistant, it revealed that the phenomenon is known as “the rebound effect” or “the law of reverse interest” and there are several psychological, social and behavioural factors that contribute to this.
For the Psychological, ‘there is curiosity. When you withdraw, the other person may become curious about why you lost interest. Loss aversion too. Humans tend to value things more when they’re scarce or threatened. Pride and ego might set in. The person may feel challenged or motivated to regain your attention. And lastly, attachment styles where some individuals have anxious-preoccupied or insecure attachment styles, leading them to pursue when faced with distance.’
Social factors include ‘social proof. Here, your initial interest may have boosted their self-esteem, they may feel invested in the relationship and want to recoup their emotional investment, and the Fear of Missing Out (FOMO). They may worry about losing a potential connection.’
Lastly, the Behavioural factors. The Chase-Withdraw Pattern, which can create a cycle of pursuit and withdrawal and the Dopamine Release which is the thrill they get from the chase which can stimulate dopamine, making the person more interested.
As for why this happens, ‘they may misinterpret your withdrawal as a challenge or game, your distance may prompt them to reflect on their own feelings and changes in their life (e.g., break-up, stress) making them reevaluate your connection.’
In all of these, these, it is apparent that all the acquaintance does is all about them with little or no consideration for the other person. Now what does such a person do to protect themselves and prevent their feelings from being hurt. You start by setting clear boundaries, communicate your intentions, avoid mixed signals and prioritise self-care.
In my case, re-engagement seems harmless, and I’ll capitalise on the opportunity for a delightful evening.
Am I concerned about the motivations behind his renewed interest? No. The evening will be all about my own well-being. I intend to indulge in the finest cuisine and refreshments and subsequently retire to my bed. Clear boundaries will be established.
Do you have a similar experience with someone from your past or present? Kindly share.
Have a great week ahead!