HOW ARE YOU REALLY?
By Nkiru Ogbuli
I know you must have been asked how you are, severally. As Nigerians, it is a normal part of greeting. “Good morning.” “How are you?” Normal. But it has become scary for Nigerian men to ask ladies this question because when they do, it provides an opportunity to list all the problems they (ladies) have in the world. It is recipe for outright billing.
Now true confession: I’ve done this twice in my entire life. Once when a 60 something year old man, single, according to him, was looking to get married. He said he fell head over heels in love at first sight and kept calling his friends to come and meet the lady they were going to accompany him to Anambra to marry.
In fact, in one of our conversations, his exact words, “Nkiru, come and rule my household.” Well, haven’t I always known I was destined to rule? Nkiru the ruler! One time he called and asked how I was and I said I wasn’t fine. He asked what the matter was, and I said I was broke. He told me to send my account number, that he was going to send someone to the bank the next day.
After we ended the call, I was troubled. I had done what I had never done before! I almost called him back to tell him I was joking because truth be told, I wasn’t broke. On a second thought, I was curious to see how generous he was, for claiming to want to marry someone he was older than by more than twenty years.
Ladies and gentlemen, that didn’t end well. Keep in mind that I am someone who shows deep appreciation for the littlest gift or act of kindness. I was brought up to know that nobody owes me anything in this world but when I saw that alert, my mind went to war with itself. For a man who was in the habit of bragging about buying shoes in thousand of dollars? I felt cheap!
I quickly called my cousin and told her I was going to call this man to find out where he got the idea that that was money that would solve any problems of mine and ask to return the money. Long story short, as of today, nobody is ruling anybody’s household. If you are going for a lady who can pass as your daughter, you my friend need to show working. There’s no other way to say this and I am not materialistic.
The second time was just 2 days ago. As an events’ compere, I meet a lot of big people and they keep calling. I was woken up by a call. He went, “MC, how are you?” I blurted an outright, “I am not fine sir!” “Send me your account number. This January is dry, I know.” Ah! Just ust like that? Wow! I can see why any lady would want to be asked that question then!
All jokes and stories aside now. When you ask someone how they are, do you really want to know? When someone asks how you are, do you think they really care? Anybody can gift you money with the hopes of getting something in return, if you get what I mean but do they really care?
I have a friend who would always ask how I am and I would say fine, and the discussion would continue. In the middle of the conversation, he would pause to ask, “Nkiru, how are you really?” Five, six years back, I would rant and rant and rant about how bad things were and he would give me words of encouragement. Note that to every other person, I was this beautiful On Air Personality that had it all together.
After the hangout, he would ask to pay the bills using my ATM card. He would then transfer money to my account in excess of the bills. That always went a long way for me. He still asks till today, only that when he does, I tell him how things are much better now, how things are looking up, how even though there are minor setbacks, I am positive it would only be for a short period of time.
Do you have that someone who you feel wants to know how you really are? Are you that someone to another person? Not everything is about money you know? Show genuine concern to someone today. If you are a known ‘biller’, leave that billing mentality for a few days…at least! Just call to know how they are. Pause to ask how they really are. You might be the only outlet they have.
I tell you, you are lucky if you have one person who really wants to know how you really are, not just for the sake of asking and you are doing something right if you can get someone to really open up to tell you how they really are, without looking to bill you.
That said, tell me in the comment section, how are you really?
Have a great week my people!
My default response to that question is “I am fine”, mostly because I know no one really cares. But my best friend Uduak Peters is one person who hears my unvoiced cry for help. And no, not cry for money. A cry for a listening ear. A cry for a shoulder to lean on. A cry for a non-judgemental space to share my deepest fears. She truly sees me.
Wow! It’s a great thing to have that person and to be that person.
Congratulations to you and Congratulations to Uduak Peters!
Nice to hear that you have that someone.
Congratulations to you and Congratulations to Uduak Peters. She is a great friend.
When next you are asked, look for signs like sustained eye contact, a sincere tone, or follow-up questions to gauge if someone truly wants to know, otherwise a brief and positive responses are often sufficient.
Looking around, i think have been blessed with sisters from other mothhers that do actually care about my welfare.